I Am Uncomfortable

When I first applied for the Comparative History of Ideas Made in the U.S.A program in the Philippines, I was unsure of what to expect from the curriculum. I assumed that the focus on Westernization would entail learning about the role of the United States of America in the Philippines. I disregarded learning about Filipino history or culture with instead the underlying expectation to learn about my own. However, I chose the program in the hopes of experiencing somewhere that would challenge and confront my current ideals and education.

            My first experience in the Philippines was marked by arriving at the New World Manila Bay Hotel, a five-star hotel located in the Makati area of Manila, where we were promptly rushed to the front of the line past other locals upon arrival as if we expected such behavior. This was the first instance that I was confronted with my Whiteness and the privilege associated with it and the first instance where I felt uncomfortable in my skin. Uncomfortableness is a feeling I adamantly avoid and yet is a feeling that marked my learning during my time in the Philippines. Being uncomfortable signifies ideas and internal concepts being challenged, which is why I tried to be aware of these moments.

            A lot of my uncomfortable moments stemmed from being a White American in the Philippines. I often received preferential treatment that I did not ask for but was received because of the color of my skin. I often witnessed preferential treatment for American, European, or White culture. As we walked into the San Agustin church, a Filipino couple were married donning a white wedding dress and suit in a Catholic ceremony, as shown in Figure 1. A few blocks away at Manila Cathedral, another couple drove away in a car with flowers marked with “Just Married” (see Figure 2). These traditions came from the Spanish and the Americans during colonization and are still favored today over indigenous culture.

Figure 1. A wedding held in San Agustin church in Manila.

Part of this favoritism is due to the miseducation put in place by the American benevolent assimilators. Women teachers from America and American camps like Camp John Hay provided a framework for Filipinos of how to follow American culture, under the guise of “reproducing an example of ‘civilized’ perfection in the middle of a ‘savage’ overseas outpost” (Bose, 2002, p. 262). However, because the Americans the Filipinos as the “Brother who Sits in Darkness,” there is still an underlying feeling of indebtedness towards the Americans by the Filipinos that does not exist towards the Spanish or Japanese (Twain, 2002, p.61). The unavoidable favoritism continued throughout my stay in instances such as being photographed by Filipino families while eating dinner alone or being treated as a rare commodity at the clubs of Manila and Boracay.

Figure 2. Influences of western culture can be seen by the wedding getaway car parked in front of Manila Cathedral.

Favoritism, which caused uncomfortableness, led me to analyze my role in the Philippines. I came to the Philippines unsure of my role in a program that is largely focused around helping Filipino American students form their identity as Filipino. By the end of the program, I found that this program helped me shape my identity more than any of my time or education in America. Learning about a culture that struggles to feel visible over the overarching shield of White culture made me realize that while Filipino culture identifies as resilient and rebellious, White culture identifies as the lack of culture—the rejecting of one’s own culture to accept membership into a generically accepted popular culture. I realized what I miss by being White is an identity to be proud of.

Identifying my White privilege is one of the factors that defines what my role should be as a White person in the Philippines. When we discussed miseducation of Filipinos, one solution introduced by Constantino (1982) was that “the education of the Filipino must be a Filipino education” (p. 192). Therefore, I often felt that I best fit the role as an observer, using my observations to further my understanding and education, rather than an active participant or teacher. One experience that really challenged my role was the ‘indigenous tribe’ performance on the Cebu river cruise. We arrived at a riverside ‘tribe’ site that was purely created to exoticize the indigenous culture for the interest of tourists. I felt conflicted because on one hand it served as another example of White privilege controlling the lives of the culture that they subordinated, but, on the other hand, the people participating relied on this appropriation of Filipino indigenous culture to make their living. I felt confusion of how I should act and the actors seemed to share confusion as to why I was not interacting enthusiastically in the same way as other tourists.

The accumulation of these feelings occurred at the Basilica del Santo Niño in Cebu (see Figure 3). I was unaware that we were visiting a religious area that day, so I had not worn clothes that covered my shoulders or knees as was expected.

 Figure 3. A local lighting a candle outside of the Basilica del Santo Niño in Cebu. The candle vendors shared that most of their sales are not to tourists.

I spent the visit uncomfortable because I knew I was being disrespectful to the people there, yet many tourists were doing the same, oblivious to their ignorance. I ultimately decided not to go into the church due to the fact that it was inappropriate and selfish of me to do so. It was in this moment that I felt that I grew during my time in the Philippines because I would not have considered my impact on the local culture before this trip. My role contrasts with the role of some of classmates who felt that as Brown or Black people they fit in with the Filipino community more than the community back in Seattle. I felt as though my every movement was being watched in the Philippines with constant pressure not to be offensive or repressive; I wonder if this is how they feel in Seattle.

            Lastly, on to the group dynamic, there were three separate group dynamics that I experienced which are as follows: the group presentation, the final presentation, and the cohort as a whole. In my group presentation, I felt that I was in a group with three very distinct personalities, which we balanced by separating the work individually and giving each person agency to be responsible for their portion. As for my final presentation group, again we were three people from different backgrounds. In this case, we used our different skillsets to our advantage, which I thought advanced our presentation because we each focused on our individual strengths to make the entire group stronger. For example, I used my background in web design to create a platform to put our information on as best as I could while other group members used their personal experiences with our topic, Emergence of Hip Hop, to add context to the presentation.

            As for the cohort as a whole, I experienced that passion led some of the conflicts that we had, yet I was able to personally learn from each encounter that happened. The main takeaway I had was one of understanding, not just on a surface level but on a more in-depth level, as well. In order to understand the actions and opinions of someone, it is crucial to understand where they come from and what experiences they have had that have shaped them into the person they are today. I found that when I made an effort to understand people’s pasts and struggles, I was able to relate more with what they supported and understand where their passion came from. From this group experience, I will continue to strive to push past my initial assumptions and instead listen to the experiences of my peers in order to better understand and therefore better educate myself.

References

Bose, S. (2002). Bagiuo Graffiti. In A.V. Shaw & L.H Francia, Vestiges of war. (pp. 260-67). New York: New York Press.

Constantino, R. (1982). Miseducation of Filipinos. In I In A.V. Shaw & L.H Francia, Vestiges of war. (pp. 177-192). New York: New York Press.

Twain, M. (2002). To the person sitting in darkness. In Shaw, A.V. & Francia, L.H. Vestiges of war. (pp. 57-68). New York: New York Press.